i love my family. okay, not everyone in my family, but most of them. there are many things i would do for them...including sacrificing my own desires. my dad, my mom and my sister...money is never an issue when it comes to them. as long as i feel it's something they like, i won't care too much about the price tag as long as i can afford it. 

i love my dogs. i think if a car is about to run them over, i would jump in to grab them no matter how dangerous. but another thought came up...who will take care of them if i die and they survive? these are things i think about a lot. i am considering writing up a will to make sure my dogs will be taken care of in case something happens to me...due to all the flying around i do...you never know.

there are probably two friends i really love. one guy and one girl. why is it them i love?

girl...

"alice, does he love you as much as i do?"

"no, he doesn't."

"then don't marry him."

very true. if you don't love me as much as my best friend does...you really don't deserve my hand in marriage. damn, i sound kinda cocky and bitchy here.

guy...

i don't know what it is, but i love him. he really isn't there for me THAT much, but he is there somehow when i'm sad and low. i think it's because we used to know each other so well...then it got bad...then we became friends again. if ever he needs my help, i'm there nonetheless. he's really busy now a days, but sometimes when i'm out having fun, i would pick up my phone and text him, "i miss you." 

then there's the not-so-sure love.

i thought i was so sure...but after so many fights and arguments, i do begin to question if i can keep on loving a person who dares saying such horrible words to me at times. i know about the whole sometimes when people are angry, they say things that they don't mean. however, it's very hard for me to put myself in those shoes because i can't say those things to anyone myself. it's like, really? am i really that horrible? 

dear friend,

i'm confused. once i prayed that he would love me. and if he does, i will continue to love him no matter what. but it's really hard when horrible things happen and my feelings get hurt over and over again. sure, there are wonderful moments as well, so it does balance out all the bad times, but i am starting to get tired. this whole riding the tide in a relationship can be exhausting. 

simplicity is good, but it is so hard to maintain. growing up really sucks. 

and to tell you the truth, i don't think anyone would ever want to marry a girl like me. wait, let me rephrase that...i don't think i can find anyone who really loves me and want to marry me. who wants to marry someone who is always flying around and can't take care of the household? which guy could accept that all that i want is "a family?" guys are selfish and they have their dreams...my own dream is too plain for them. 

anyways, time to go. i'm actually doing ok the last two days despite what i'm writing on here. i just really need to write out these thoughts. 

ktv tonight with friends and marco is coming with me. wow, for once, he's interested in hanging out with my friends. 

haven't done this in a long time...so here we go.

i cried. it was so stupid, but i cried the day i was leaving norcal to come back to taiwan. it was in the morning and both paulo and jeff were still sleeping downstairs. i was listening to some chinese song and remembering all that happened in the past two weeks with all the people i care about here in the u.s...then the tears just came, unexpected. in my mind, i was crying out "omg, i have to go back to taiwan!!" back to the world where the people i most care about right now are absent. if we spend time together during my trip, you have no idea how great it made me feel to be surrounded by friends...friends who care and enjoy the same things i do. 

the night i came back to taiwan, i also cried. mainly because marco and i had an argument...about clothes that got moldy because he didn't hang it right. then he started attacking me with all these horrible things that i don't do enough of. apparently, the clothes wouldn't be moldy if i washed them correctly. my value standards are so diff from his. my value standards are so diff from his because i like buying expensive things and he doesn't. i didn't let it get under my skin as much as before. all i can say is- fucker, the clothes are moldy because you didn't hang it right and it has nothing to do with my washing machine or how i wash my clothes. i buy expensive things because it makes me happy to buy things and i'm using my own money. oh, and supposedly, i'm a conceited person. really? chinese is 自以為是. ok, in america, we call that "confidence."

i'm sick of not being able to be myself. 

i forgot what happened near the end, but i kind of just told  him he's being stupid for getting mad at me when i'm telling him what he did wrong when it comes to hanging clothes. i just did my own thing. the next day, i got to spend my day alone...and that felt great. finally, when i got home around dinner time, things seem to be better. i still went out with my friends to drink and sing ktv because they've been planning this before i came back. besides, i really need to make more friends in taiwan...better for me. 

lesson to learn: when we get into fights, i'll just ignore everything and do my own things. let him know, i am no longer affected by his angry words and i do have other places to go. your threatening words shall never do me harm. it's ironic, because my dad taught me this tactic. he said i can be nice to someone...but if they ever go overboard, don't let them have it. show them you have control over yourself. i may not control how he is, but i can choose how i handle the situation.

now, story time. long time ago, a girl used to say i love you. she hasn't said i love you in nine years. it's a curse phrase and she can't say them anymore. short story, the end.

throw up time...

relationships can get really complicated when you're older. i'm not sure if i'm in love anymore. when am i getting married? i don't know where this is going. i am scared to figure out and go for what i want anymore. no more stupidity. i care and will notice everything about you, but let's just say, our timing sucks. i wish you happiness. when you need me, i'll be there. 

you know what. i really need to start having a relationship with myself. if i can, i would like to be single for more than a year. yeah, i know, everyone wants to be with someone...who would want to be alone? but that sounds so appealing right now...i want freedom...

i have this urge to book a plane ticket right now to go somewhere random...all by myself.