January 16, 2011

  • thoughts diarrhea

    haven't done this in a long time...so here we go.

    i cried. it was so stupid, but i cried the day i was leaving norcal to come back to taiwan. it was in the morning and both paulo and jeff were still sleeping downstairs. i was listening to some chinese song and remembering all that happened in the past two weeks with all the people i care about here in the u.s...then the tears just came, unexpected. in my mind, i was crying out "omg, i have to go back to taiwan!!" back to the world where the people i most care about right now are absent. if we spend time together during my trip, you have no idea how great it made me feel to be surrounded by friends...friends who care and enjoy the same things i do. 

    the night i came back to taiwan, i also cried. mainly because marco and i had an argument...about clothes that got moldy because he didn't hang it right. then he started attacking me with all these horrible things that i don't do enough of. apparently, the clothes wouldn't be moldy if i washed them correctly. my value standards are so diff from his. my value standards are so diff from his because i like buying expensive things and he doesn't. i didn't let it get under my skin as much as before. all i can say is- fucker, the clothes are moldy because you didn't hang it right and it has nothing to do with my washing machine or how i wash my clothes. i buy expensive things because it makes me happy to buy things and i'm using my own money. oh, and supposedly, i'm a conceited person. really? chinese is 自以為是. ok, in america, we call that "confidence."

    i'm sick of not being able to be myself. 

    i forgot what happened near the end, but i kind of just told  him he's being stupid for getting mad at me when i'm telling him what he did wrong when it comes to hanging clothes. i just did my own thing. the next day, i got to spend my day alone...and that felt great. finally, when i got home around dinner time, things seem to be better. i still went out with my friends to drink and sing ktv because they've been planning this before i came back. besides, i really need to make more friends in taiwan...better for me. 

    lesson to learn: when we get into fights, i'll just ignore everything and do my own things. let him know, i am no longer affected by his angry words and i do have other places to go. your threatening words shall never do me harm. it's ironic, because my dad taught me this tactic. he said i can be nice to someone...but if they ever go overboard, don't let them have it. show them you have control over yourself. i may not control how he is, but i can choose how i handle the situation.

     

    now, story time. long time ago, a girl used to say i love you. she hasn't said i love you in nine years. it's a curse phrase and she can't say them anymore. short story, the end.

    throw up time...

    relationships can get really complicated when you're older. i'm not sure if i'm in love anymore. when am i getting married? i don't know where this is going. i am scared to figure out and go for what i want anymore. no more stupidity. i care and will notice everything about you, but let's just say, our timing sucks. i wish you happiness. when you need me, i'll be there. 

     

    you know what. i really need to start having a relationship with myself. if i can, i would like to be single for more than a year. yeah, i know, everyone wants to be with someone...who would want to be alone? but that sounds so appealing right now...i want freedom...

    i have this urge to book a plane ticket right now to go somewhere random...all by myself.

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