Ok, I'm not always depressed. Keep in mind that this blog is only to let out my frustrations, my current thoughts, and whatever on my mind that's bothering me. I appreciate feedback from friends, but if you really know me, then you should know I am dealing with it.

Tell me things I already know: I know your intentions are good, so I will not let that bother me. But remember, I KNOW. And yes, thank you for the reminder.

Today is actually a good day for me. After letting some thoughts out, today, positive things appeared. I slept for eight hours, the show had more visitors, I got a call from him and he made me laugh twice, I had laughs with Helen on random stuff, I didn't stay at Helen for long for ordering me a pizza with anchovies in it, and dinner was another interesting adventure.

Day two done. Four more days to go.

I think the reason people end up in pairs in this world is because as we grow older, friends don't understand you more and more (and vice versa). In the end, you are forced to be with someone who can understand you and are bound to you. Or, someone people just stay alone. "Who understands you better than yourself?" But think about it, do you always understand yourself? I don't. Humans-we're so complicated.

PS. I love artichokes. NOT anchovies. Order me anchovies, you'll be dealing with a sour-faced Alice during that meal.

PPS. Anchovies in pizza---GROSS. Who the hell came up with anchovies as a topping? Seriously?!?!

•  This morning, when we stepped out of the house, we saw rows of cars covered with a thin layer of snow. It was pretty awesome.
• There are these vending machine by our house. One sells cigarettes, so it has a picture of a cigarette on it. The other one has a penis (cartoon penis)...guess what it sells? Haha, I love how straightforward Germans are.
• We had Greek food last night and the restaurant's decor was beautiful~as in very cozy~as in small and warm. Anyways, I've never been to a restaurant where after we put in our orders, they served each of us a shot of Greek vodka called Ouzo (spelling?). It tasted like licorice~not my favorite flavor. But yeah, how cool is that? A shot of vodka with your meal! Oh, and I ordered Mousaka~never ordering that again~it's pretty much the Greek version of a lasagna (btw, I don't like lasagna...blame my aunt for that).

More stuff later...those are the only fun stuff I can think of for now. There will be pictures after I return to Taiwan.

It snowed earlier and although it was cold, it felt really nice. The last time I saw snow was after DLSSP the year I was CKI's governor...it was so beautiful - despite the scary drive back from Reno. Snow--I'm glad that I got to see it today. Thank you.

If I am not the one, then please, put me out of misery by letting me go- because I cannot go back now. My heart is in and there is no way I'm able to take it out by myself.

Self-Sacrifice: If it makes other people happy, I am willing to drown myself in sorrow. It's not like I do it for the good feeling, because trust me, it does not feel good. Being the "good person" feels like shit. The reason is - at least I know I can climb out of this shit hole eventually. Just knowing that, it gives me hope. And of course, the thing I can never see myself do is stand in the way of other people's happiness. It's just not right.

So stop. Stop telling me to do whatever makes me happy. For once, I would like you to think for yourself. Are you happy? If I don't make you happy, then set yourself free -- you really deserve your hapy ending.

Other things...

CeBIT Day One is over. It has been a long day. I forgot how slow this show is compared to CES. Five more days to go.

Tomorrow is Day 1 for CeBIT and I'm a little bit nervous. This is my first computer show without my dad. Let's hope for the best at this show. Not looking forward to it...but I still hope for the best out of it.

This is the same feeling I had before CES. I didn't want to go, but during the show, I was motivated to work hard. Will CeBIT be the same? We will see.

Damn, Helen pointed out some grammar errors on the poster...shame on me for not double checking that part. This tells you how out of focus I was this past month. Focus, Alice, FOCUS!!!!

Although I miss Taiwan, it feels good to be away in another country. I'm sleeping better and I'm not thinking about bad stuff as much.

Has anyone read the Kite Runner? I'm reading it right now and it is pretty good. Horray for reading!

After...

4 hours on the plane from Taiwan to Singapore

13 hours on the plane from Singapore to Frankfort, Germany

4 hours on the bus from Frankfort to Hannover

I am finaly here...and oh my gosh, can't remember the last time I spent so much time trying to get from one place to another.

I must say, I am extremely impressed with Singapore Airline. They have over 50 movies on the airplane for me to choose from and I can watch them at any time. That means, if I turn to that channel and that movie is already 50 minutes into it...I could stop it, and start it over. Isn't that just awesome?! I was able to watch Enchanted (finally) on the plane ride to Frankfort...and guess what I did the rest of the time? I slept like a baby. Good thing I didn't sleep the night before.

Now I'm just chilling at the place we're staying (someone's apartment complex) and browsing the internet with a free wireless account. The next few days will be tiring, I just know it...and the weather is COLD here. I am already looking forward to going back to Taiwan already. Well, here's to a good show here at CeBIT.

 So here are the flyers of our newest products by JustCooler. I just want to post it to make you guys laugh...because guess who is the model in one of them?

Here's why I became the model - My dad said this saves money.

It's 6:30am and I am up and ready for a new day. More like~I'm eager to start a new day. I figured if I write down the things really bothering me, I'll relieve myself of this sad, sad feeling building up inside me.

I was told the other day that I am not trustworthy~as a girlfriend. He couldn't trust me. I knew he couldn't trust me since months ago because he did see me make out with other guys. The image I gave him was a "playgirl." I don't mind making out with guy friends "just for fun." This really bothered him and prevented him from accepting me as his girlfriend. It just sounds like a excuse if I say I did those things because he said he doesn't have feelings for me. But really, I felt like crap at that time. I've left someone who was really good to me. Then I found someone who could be really good for me. Both people~I cannot have. Being flirtatious with many guys was the only outlet I knew. It was the "easy way out."

Things got worse. He already couldn't trust me because of my flirtatious habit...and just a few weeks ago, a guy called me in the middle of the night. I didn't want to pick up because I don't think he was worth it. This guy called back two more times and I still hung up on him. Marco saw all this and it started to make him question me. Who wouldn't?

The next day, he was on the verge of walking out on me. He felt like I was hiding something from him~which yes, I was. He thought I was seeing another guy. That, I can say for sure, I wasn't. Yeah, there was a fling, but that never got anywhere serious. I tried to use that guy to forget about him, but that didn't work out.

What hurt me the most was when he said trusting me is not worth it. In Chinese, it's "你不值得我信任." It sounds a lot more harsh in Chinese. I asked him to trust me and I got that as a reply. Angry people can say some really mean things. Let's hope he really want to trust me and believes I'm worth it.

He even told me, the reason he got so angry few weeks ago when he almost walked out on me without saying anything was because he thought I might be seeing other guys. Apparently, I'm too "mysterious." I am not letting him into my world~I am blocking him out (he came to this conclusion when I won't let him see my chat with Cindy). Yea, it was true, I was hiding things from him~there are some things I just couldn't let him see, but they definitely don't involve cheating.

Once a cheater, always a cheater.

Not necessarily. Some people actually want to change. All we really need is a reason to change and never go back to that road again.

I want to change. Please don't push me back to that road once again.

I must admit~I am really lonely. The past few days have made me more lonely than ever. I miss my friends back in California. I met some new friends here in Taiwan, but they are not the same. We don't connect the same way I do with my friends back home. Although, for the past few years, I can't say I have connected with most of my close friends back home anyway. However, being away from them is making me appreciate their presence more.

My life is pretty empty right now. People tell me I am so lucky to have a job that travels a lot, to not worry about money, and to live on my own. The tradeoff? Watch TV where there is no Grey's Anatomy or Desperate Housewives (the shows I actually enjoy watching on TV)~Cook small meals that don't taste all that great because I am cooking only for myself (i.e. instant meals)~Sleep with the fear that someone will come rob and rape me in the middle of the night~Cry out loud because I miss my friends while Mochi licks the tears off of my face~Get jealous while I look at people around me surrounded by their friends and having a blast with their friends.

Life is really a nutshell. The outside looks sturdy, but the inside has nothing. I constantly have to check online to see if my best friend is available to talk, but the time difference makes that very difficult. I stare at my buddy list of friends in Taiwan and find no one I really want to talk to about what is really bothering me.

I want a getaway.

The past two weeks have been quite shitty. Okay, not as bad, but things haven't been smooth sailing. Today is probably the climax for me on this emotional roller coaster ride.

Something that really makes me angry is when I feel unimportant to my friends. When I ask you to join me on an activity, it is because I want to have your company. However, getting an indecisive response PLUS pushing our plans to the back when your other friends make new plans with you = that can only be summed up to WHAT THE FUCK?

I really don't care that you hang out with your friends, but today, I felt unimportant to you. It makes me feel that any plan with me could be pushed out to fit the plans with your friends. I was looking forward to a nice day out tomorrow because the last few days I haven't gone out much.

I'm tired...tired of trying. Today, I was hurt. And what's worse...I don't know how to make myself feel better.

I don't remember the last time I pulled an all-nighter...but tonight was a fun night. I went to work then got a facial today...which was pretty productive for the "day" part. At night, I met up with my friend and her co-worker with Marco to watch CJ7, a new movie by Steven Chow. Oh yes, it's a hilarious movie~I was laughing my ass off. If you're up for some good laugh, go watch it (not even sure if it's showing in the U.S.).

Afterwards, we went to sing KTV...for like...5 hours. Yes, FIVE hours. By the time we got out, it was already 4:30am. I had fun...definitely got a chance to sing my heart out. For once, I didn't touch any alcohol while out with friends...while everyone else was drinking. I'm very proud of myself! Overall, it was a good night!